Insomnia

The Unquiet Dark

dark

I wish we didn’t need to sleep. Sleep is a bothersome thing and even though I stay in bed until ~2pm on weekends, I really wish I didn’t.

You see I have a problem with sleeping. If I haven’t had a smoke before bed, I will lie there for hours whilst my mind races. Last night it took me about┬áthree┬áhours to drift off. I went to bed at midnight, had to get up at six thirty, grand total of three and a bit hours sleep.

Getting the right amount of sleep is important for depressed people.

Too little sleep and you are ratty and irritated all day, which may sound like no big deal but when you add in the depression and anxiety factor simply being irritated takes on a whole new fucking level. Think of what you are like when you are mildly irritated by something such as a crying child or that bastard on the bus who plays his music so loud you can hear everything coming from his headphones. Now take that mild annoyance, multiply by infinity, and then let it bend you over the table and fuck you in the ass. I am not being over dramatic here, depression is a synergistic illness. Any mental state is made exponentially worse when you already loathe yourself and can’t figure out why.

Conversely, too much sleep and you feel like shit when you wake up both physically and mentally. You have wasted your day yet again in bed, further reinforcement (as if you needed any more) that you are a looooooser.

So, we are presented with a problem. Smoke weed and sleep, or go straight and don’t.

The worst part is that whilst you are alone with your thoughts in the dark, with your chattering, seemingly never ending stream of what ifs coursing through your every neuron, things look uglier. The positive things you have tried to make sense of during the day get tainted by the darkness and take on new aspects, things you never considered before. It’s hard to explain in words but as an example I can read a part of my Buddhism book during my lunch hour and be completely on board with the “be compassionate to all” tenet and actually feel good about myself for wanting to aligned more to positive feelings. However in the unquiet dark, with so much information blasting through my brain at almost the speed of light, things get muddled and corrupted. ‘Compassion? to everyone? fuck no, there are idiots out there who deserve my invective and deserve to be punished – FUCK compassion’

It’s another aspect of depression I hate. It makes you change your mind way too often. I can be full of positivity about how I can better myself one minute and then someone flicks a switch and literally the next minute I have to deride myself for thinking like such a sap.

In a word:

fuuuuuuu

Fuck sleep, lets evolve away from this already, all it does is get in the way of progress! Damn my bed is comfy though…

f.

 

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