I’m a 33 year old guy who works in the videogame industry. I live with my wife in sunny Scotland, we recently moved here and bought a house.
I used to revel in my personality, which has always been a bit dark, misanthropic and self destructive. I figured that was the way I was and I should be myself, and for a time, I very much enjoyed it.
Shortly before my partner and I were married in 2012, I started to feel rather differently about how I was ‘feeling’. A combination of personal crises, work based stress, and a general apathy towards everything suddenly rose to the surface and hit me fairly hard. I admitted to myself and my partner that I was depressed. I knew nothing about the illness and had always assumed that it was something that people could just get over. I was incredibly naive. Since realising I was depressed I’ve come to understand so much more about how certain people, who you might think of as some odd whacko, could very likely be in the same boat that I’m in. I spend 95% of my waking life trying to mentally organise my thoughts and nail down my emotions.
By the end of the year I had gotten married, quit my job, and moved from England to Scotland. The move was largely due to my wife’s desire to be closer to her family and my desire to stop renting shitty apartments and finally get a house. From the moment I woke up and realised I was suffering, the depression seemed to escalate incredibly fast.
Now it’s been just over a year since I moved. I take 45mg of Mirtazapine every day to enable me to get out of bed and go to work. If I go off the medication, there is a very noticeable self doubting voice in my head that convinces me every day that I am doomed. I do very little else, as I cannot gain pleasure from most things in life at the moment. My friend told me to start a blog, just to have something to do/somewhere to vent. So that’s what I did.
I want to get better. I know now that my approach to life up until my realisation that I was depressed was wrong. Hate and anger have their place, but I made them my defining personality points, and it has left me in a state where I want to withdraw completely from society. I’m only able to write this blurb here in this about page at the moment because I’m having a ‘good day’ (defined by not feeling confused and paranoid from the moment I wake up). There are times when I literally cannot form a coherent thought because my mind is racing at close to light speed and my anger and hatred take over. Even now I’m re-reading these paragraphs and considering deleting everything and forgetting this whole idea because my own words seem alien and poisonous to me. Fellow Depressos will not doubt understand what I mean.
I want to change for the better, but in the meantime I’m learning to cope with the depression and the confusion (oh god the confusion is the worst) and trying to form a more positive outlook on life.
It’s fucking hard.