“So have you sorted out a psychologist yet?”
“No Dad, I’ll do it tomorrow.”
Procrastination is something I’ve been guilty of for a long time, certainly before I was depressed. Now it just augments the depression and make me feel generally shit about myself. It’s another one of those things that people will often respond to with “Well just don’t procrastinate then”. Yeah OK, great advice thanks.
It’s not that easy.
If something takes too much effort, I simply don’t do it. I want to, but I don’t. For instance at the moment I’m trying to learn the guitar because I need a hobby to take my mind off things. The practice lessons I’m following at the moment are literally just 10 minutes a day of strumming two chords. I got in last night, picked up the guitar, fumbled the first chord and then put it down and didn’t touch it again. Instead I lay in a semi-catatonic state watching 3 episodes of The Sopranos in a row. But I really do want to learn. In fact there are about a dozen or so things I can think of right now that I’ve really wanted to do/learn for about 2 years now. I’m still yet to achieve any of them. My father has offered to pay for a psychologist as another source of therapy instead of just relying on medication, all I have to do is set up that first appointment and I know it would be good for me. He made this offer in October.
If you cannot understand why someone would do this to themselves then I found this rather interesting blog post that hits the nail on the head regarding procrastination. His concept of the Dark Playground is exactly what I experience on an almost daily basis. He’s also totally right about the underachieving thing. I’m going through that right now, since I quit a well paid job after I moved in favour of a much lower paying job that also happens to let me autopilot most of the day. I’m an intelligent guy but I’m not living up to my potential at all, which just amplifies my feelings of failure.
I’m worried that if I continue to not live up to my potential I’ll just give up on breathing too and that will be that.